Own Time Own Target

Was watching KangXiLaiLe last night and the topic de jour was grown men reminiscing about their unrequited love.

One had held a torch for a girl for 5 years and processed his love many times and had them all turned down, one of which in a very public arena. The girl had told the guy that she was in another relationship and not available, and that she didnt think they would be suitable together. The guy held on and is still waiting, as long as she hasnt married.

The hosts then asked the opinion of other guests,"why did the girl remain friendly with the guy despite knowing clearly his affection for her, and after making her own intentions clear?" I mean, it is obvious the guy is hurting and his life has been put on hold.

One guest was especially succinct, she said "那是因为他还有一些利用价值吧...(This is most probably he is still useful to her)."

Tough. Selfish and True. Save yourselves. Run.

Labels: to Despair

With mortality on my mind, the immediate thoughts are:

• my parents are older than the business associate who passed away, and gosh~ they are really getting on age,
• how old my kids will be when I am say, 60 when I go, all 3 will be in their 20s. Way younger than I am now, and too young to lose a parent, (luckily we have insurance in place so they will be financially secured, oh wait, we need to do up a will and appoint legal guardian) and
• gosh~ I don't know how I will ever survive if and when I lose E. He may fare better if I go first...
  

Then the conflicting thoughts see-sawing between

Life is short. I'm going to have Laksa with extra hum for lunch
vs
I need to be alive and be healthy longer, for my kids and E.

I need to exercise more and stay healthy
vs
I need to spend more time with my family and close friends


Choices. choices.

.
.
.
.
.
Confession: I did have laksa for lunch.

Resolution:

1. I will work my ass off so that I will not need to OT and get home earlier.
   
2. Then it will be 20min on the elliptical machine tonight.

Labels: to Despair

Some crazy news over the last few weeks.

• Colleague fainted in office and found out that he had been losing blood from bleeding ulcers in the hospital. Op required to clamp the ulcers.
• Aunt had cyst in kidney and had an op to remove.
• Close associate of the company went for a holiday in Europe and passed away there after a bad cough bout of cough triggered a fatal stroke. His brother now there to assist his wife and daughter with procedures to bring him back.

Of course, not forgetting my MIL's close call and op in June.

This just brings to mind how fragile life is and time is fleeting. I am reassessing my priorities and trying to do better everyday. I want to embrace my family and friends, and not have any regrets.

Today the black moods will not be easy to lift, but I will try to finish work early and be with the kids soon.

Labels: to Despair

It just occurred to me that since Baby V and a recent family crisis re health of an elderly member, I haven't gone out, like to shop or dinner with friends.

Other than for work, or family occasions, I literally havent spoken to anybody for months.

I wonder how many friends have since moved on.

I need to talk to somebody.

Is anybody there?

Labels: to Despair

It has been a challenging 2 months on the work front.

An accounts assistant with almost 3 years left. He was smart and quick, but I couldnt keep him. But little did I know that this was the opening of flood gates of the great exodus.

A group accountant with 14 years in the company left with just 1 month's notice.

A senior secretary with 12 years left 2 weeks after.

I sacked a sales administrator who took too many unscheduled leave and MC and too many smoking breaks.

Managed to find a new sales administrator quite quickly, but she was a no-show on the start date, and acute appendicitis c/w operation was the reason. Pleaded with us to keep the position open for her, only to be again a no-show on the new start date, 2 weeks later. ARGH!

Interviewed these 4 positions till I almost could not bring myself to shake another hand and ask about another's job experience. Not counting those who made appointment and did not show up, or had found positions before showing up for the first position, I must have seen at least 30+ people.

Some you know to be unsuitable the moment they offer you a limp handshake and needed you to repeated the question, preferably in simpler English.

The others you think have potential, but HOW MUCH potential to be trained before they leave?

Then the others who are perfect but asking for the moon and star and that red car for the remuneration package.

Between balancing the needs of the company, the budget I have to work with, the experience and character of the candidate, I finally did find an account assistant and a sales administrator who have started, a junior secretary (for me, not to replace the senior secretary) starting next week, and an accountant to start 1 Jan.

The pieces are now all laid out.

I could finally get back to my work, while shouldering some of the accountant's work and some functions that the senior secretary had taken on. i.e. 2.5 jobs on my 1 salary.

I am going to have to step up and work beyond my capacity for a while. But I am getting numb.

Hopefully my secretary will turn out as smart as I believe her to be, and save me from burning out too quickly.

Labels: to Despair, to Work

The trouble with procastination is that the longer you procastinate, the harder it will be to get back into whatever you were doing...

And so while I cant believe that it is almost 3 months since my last post, i mean I have consistently blogged at least a post every month since i first started...!

Yet i sort of understand how it got to this point...
mostly because i made 3 trips out,
---> 1 whirlwind trip to BKK for work with lots of prep work and then lots to follow up on
---> 1 holiday to Taipei, my first holiday since marriage that is without hubby and/or kids
---> 1 family holiday to ClubMed Bintan with the kids
and I broke my routine

And by the time I got back, I have lots of work to catch on, AND it seems i have too much stuff to blog about... and so i procastinated... and it is now almost 3 months later...

my bad.

and

I confess:



while most pp procastinate by putting off what they should do now till later...


I





my bad.

Labels: to Despair

One should understand and remember that forwarding jokes / dubious email advice, medical or otherwise, is not communication, even if it was forwarded with the best of intentions (but then I'm a firm believer that the road to hell is paved with good intentions).

I am not sure which is sadder:

- when such email are caught by the spam filter and sent straight to spam folder such that I don't even bother to read them and click "not spam", or

- that this is 95% of communication that I've received from you?

Sigh~*

Labels: to Despair

It started with a dry throat then a sore throat.

I paid it no heed since it was the weekend and the schedule was jam-packed with kids activities and family time.

By Sunday evening, I was coughing and lost my voice. And tearing with yellow mucus from my eyes

Went to the doctor on Monday and was given MC for common flu and viral conjuntivitis (or sore eyes).

Eyes did get better although very slowly, but the cough developed into major hacking coughs was spitting out mucous with blood in them... The cough syrup didnt do anything, and I woke up every 30min-2 hours in fits of coughing.

Went back to the doc on Wednesday morning. And this time he grudgingly decided that although I didnt have fever I "could have developed" an infection and was given a course of 7 days worth of antibiotics, stronger cough syrup and ventolin to open up the airways. 3 more days of MC for viral bronchitis.

Thank goodness I managed to convince my boss that I was in no condition to travel, since I was already coughing so much that not only my throat was raw, my abs hurt. I can't imagine breathing airplane air and going throw unenlightened customs who are still in mortal fear of H1N1.

It is now Friday, and I still havent slept for more than 2 hours at a stretch.

AND i did have to come back to office...

NO FUN.

POUT POUT POUT.

Labels: to Despair

a long hard cry

on hind sight, i guess it was long overdue

partly triggered or rather the straw that broke the camel's back came last night when I visited Baby V. Where I realised that after 5 weeks, her discharge is not going to be as soon as I had foolishly expected...

I had thought based on past experience that a premie baby would be discharged by the time she hits 2kg. Unfortunately in the euphoria of her recent good weight gains, I had forgotten/ neglected to factor in the requirement for her to learn to bottle feed well before being allowed to discharge.

It should have been a simple DUH moment... but

Add that to my recent witnessing of another (much bigger) baby gagging and coughing and crying when a nurse installed a new feeding tube, and my realisation that Baby V will have to have her next feeding tube through her nose (instead of mouth currently) so that her mouth will be free when suckling.

THEN i understood that another baby born on the same day as Baby V who started at a lower birth weight of 1.2kg+ (vs her 1.35kg) is now 2.2kg (vs her 1.8kg)... probably because his parents carried him unfailingly everyday for an hour and his mom had so much milk that the nurses told her not bring any more to the hospital...

and the walls came crashing down.

That it is not going to end soon, the isolation and loneliness of being tethered to a pump at home 24/7, the resentment of my life suspended in animation vs E being free to pursue his tri dreams where so much time is spent in training over 5-6 days in a week, pity for my elder kids, anger over my inability to carry Baby V to full term ... ... ... mixing extreme sustained fatigue over 5 weeks (s0 far and counting) with all the anger, resentment, pity, hurt... everything just came rushing through and buried me...

argh.

a long. hard. cry.

the first where i learned that a cry does not only make your eyes puffy and nose blocked, but your EARS blocked too...

well, like i said, long in coming and while it is the first I suspect will not be the last.

sigh.

hopefully the next one will not block my ears

Labels: to Despair

I visited Baby V for the first time since my discharge from KK.

Her weight then was 1160 gm, having shrunk after delivery, per normal expectations.

Her fingers were so long... then it hit me that it was because she was so skinny that she doesn't have the chubby fingers of other new borns

Her eyes were huge... and it hit me again that it was because her face was too thin.

Even though I had long comforted myself that Baby V is in a much better position than other smaller babies, it still hurts to see her so small compared to full-term babies...

I had to lean into E as tears flooded my eyes...

Labels: to Despair

After days of being optimistic and hopeful and putting on a brave face, I was finally broken.

All from a simple work-related call while home.

It started innocuously with the MD of a principal calling asking for an update re a subsidiary's activity report, but he made the fatal mistake of asking if I was at work first...

I was not. I'm on maternity leave. Then I tried to deflect it and asked about his recent holiday.

BUT he continued to asked about me and my baby, and I broke down.

I went quiet and later unsuccessfully muffling my quiet (I hope) sobs I told him that the baby was born very premature and was in NICU...

Somehow, having to verbalize the situation made it much more "Real" and it showed up starker as opposed to texting it or blogging about it, especially to a non-related party outside of immediate family and close friends.

To his credit, he was very kind (I think he had a soft spot for me for my work with him) and took it all in without being showing that he was too mortified by this sudden turn in conversations, in fact sharing with me that his daughter was born prematurely too, spent 2 weeks in NICU and is now 3 years old without any ill effects.

We ended the conversation on a more professional note, after I had regained my composure and giving him a verbal report of the progress of the subsidiary's activities and further action plan.

And he thought he was just going to get that report... poor chap

Labels: to Despair

And I thought it was another routine couple of days' stay at the hospital to stop the bleeding and I could go home / back to work after that. 24hrs later but 73 days early, Baby V was born.

It was a stressful couple days preparing the big audit by our HQ, and I've worked hard staying late most of the week before. Right after the 2 day presentation and meeting, all were satisfied and we went for dinner.

I drove home after dinner and rested. But I noticed some blood clots and immediately got E to send to me my gynae's hospital (un-named due to possible repercussions). On the way there, I felt cramps and thought this MUST be false contractions, I am WAY TOO EARLY to be starting labour.

But when we were there, I was indeed in labour. 4 cm dilated to be specific. I was given Dexsar to help the baby's lungs develop faster to adapt to the breathing in air world. The hitch was the medication needed 2 doses administered 12 hours apart, and a total of 24 hours for it to work fully. We may not have that much time. I was put on sabutamol to relax the womb and hopefully buy some time.

The pedae arrived and was on standby, and the prognosis according to him was worrying. Lots of things could go wrong with a birth this early. 29weeks + 2 days. Not to mention the astronomical costs of Neonatal ICU (NICU) at a private hospital, estimated at $1k per day, for 2-3 months...

We frantically pulled on strings to move me to KK where I hope to get into a C class ward, but KK told the doctors that they were full and I will not be excepted if I were to transfer there. We tried NUH and SGH where both are going to be more expensive than KK, but have a system for reduced charges once fees hit a certain ceiling.

It was passed 12mn, and I woke up my parents. Demanding over their protests to wait till a more godly hour like when the sun is up that they pull on some very distant strings, waking several families in the mean time. And the final verdict was to have me change back into my street clothes and transfer to KK in a private ambulance (making no mentions of the hospital I came from) and just show up at KK A&E. The delivery was thought to be imminent and my gynae and padae were worried enough to hop into the ambulance with me and deliver the baby in the ambulance if necessary. I can't tell you how gratified I was with their unselfish thoughtfulness and professionalism, and the comfort in thought that they were there.

There was some grilling at KK admission, and was told that if not for the dire circumstances that I was in and being unfit to be moved, I would have been moved for there were not enough ventilators. But thank goodness the long distant strings were pulled and favors were granted. No time were lost even during the questioning, and I was quickly changed and examined.

6 cm dilated.

I was given another dose of dexsar at 230am. The doctors dithered with their administration of sabultomol in increasing dosage of 15ml per half hour due to the side effects (both short term and long term) on the heart. But I pleaded with them to up it to the max that my heart could withstand ASAP, before the window closes and the tipping point reach, where too little too late was given before the labour proper starts and the baby would have lost all fighting chance (time) for her lungs to be ready.

They agreed with me, but not before counselling us on the pros and cons, and amongst them... we have 2 other children. The very stark message being, they were responsible for both mother and child, but they judged it to be more important to have 1 mom + 2 kids than 3 kids with no mom. Yes... but still. They upped the sabultamol.

The next 20 hours were filled with waiting, where waiting was good. I was prescribed anti-biotics, blood drawn for various tests, monitored closely to ensure that my heart rate was no higher than 130 per min.

We waited and counted down the 24 hours required for dexsar to work. We didnt dare to hope for much, but celebrated every 30min. At first just to reach 6am (3.5hrs) than to 8:30am (6hrs where a quarter of the dexsar would have worked) than to 2:30pm (for the 2nd dose of dexsar to be administered at KK). We didnt believe that we managed to hold till then, I suspect not even the doctors.

At some point, my heart rate went racing above 138 and blood pressure dangerously low at 94/54. They lowered the sulbutomol, and soon the contractions gotten so much worst that I thought I was going to deliver, they gave me the gas mask and I breathed in freely. We held on and they increased the dosage of sulbutomol partially as my vital stats stabilised.

The target was 2:30 am 1/8/09 but by 10pm, I was post-dilated and the baby's head was low in the birth channel. I felt weak and told E that I could not go on.

He was dissappointed. And I was dissappointed that he was. I mean, the objective was both lives, wasn't it? At this time the doctors came in and he asked again about the side effects of the salbutomol and told them that I was feeling weak. My faith in him thus restored. And the doctors decided that there was no point waiting further. It was 20 hours after the 1st dose of dexsar in KK was administered, the baby's lungs had more than a fighting chance.

The 2 teams of doctors came in to the labour room, and the neonatal team was told to "be ready for resuscitation". I prayed as they pricked the water bag and I started pushing.

Baby V was born 1350gm, 41 cm long and 26 cm head circumference. Stats that were better than we had dared hoped for at such an early gestational period, and historical data from her elder petite siblings.

A CRY! A small cry from the baby! She's breathing! She does not need resuscitation!

That took everyone by surprised. She was quickly cleaned up and wrapped in cling wrap to preserve her body temperature. When she was ready to be pushed into the NICU, the neonatal doc gave E a slap on the back and congratulated him, telling him what a good girl we have there.



It was a minor miracle.

We thank all who had helped and prayed for us.

Labels: to Despair, to Love, to Sweat

Blogging, emailing, twittering, facebooking etc are fine

The form doesn't matter as long as the content and sincerity is there, where sharing and discussions take place, and a connection is maintained.

They can only add to a relationship in RL (real life) for the lack of time, or effect of distance.

But it gets kind of sad if a real life relationship is reduced to forwarding chain letters, urban legends and hoaxes. No?

Labels: to Despair

I witnessed the aftermath of some senseless violence recently, when the victim showed me her bruises on the arm where she was grabbed, and the faint redness on her cheek where she was boxed/ slapped.

Violence in any kind is absolutely wrong. There is just no justification of ever laying hands on another, especially one weaker, no matter what. And especially due to the lost of one's self control, which shows just who is indeed weaker in the mind.

But as a car accident where there is no justification for rear-ending the car in front or worst, knocking down a person; both sides of the stories need to be presented for the judge to award degree of culpability.

Knowing both personalities, I cannot say that my sympathies lie 100% with the victim although it is clear in my conviction that any and all violence is wrong.

While I just cannot imagine that the act could not have been avoided- by tact on the part of the victim, and self-control on the part of the perpetrator, better communication before things went into a downward spiral.

Though I am practical enough to understand that things do not disintegrate/ degenerate overnight, and the path could only have led to this.

THEN WHY DID THEY GO DOWN THAT PATH? Did they not see with their eyes open? Did they not care? WHAT?!

I pray that I'll never fall victim in such a circumstance in any relationship. Be it my marriage, or with my children/ their spouse when I'm old and frail, or even my future grandchildren, or whosoever over violence of whatever kind.

I'll walk.

I'll fight back.

I might forgive but never forget.

The road to healing will be long and can never be bought.

But the power is not in the prevention or even in standing up for yourself, but in the strength of the relationship through years of building and management such that there is simply no place for violence.

But we're talking about me.

And in this case, a few well chosen useless babbles may well be enough to cover the incident for awhile, leaving nothing resolved. What a distaste it leaves in my mouth...

Labels: to Despair

They say that it is better to do a thing correctly the first time, or it will cause way more cost, time & effort to rectify a mistake.

I know and I have always practiced it.

Until a mindless careless offhand gesture of dropping a quick cheque in the deposit box of the wrong bank...

It took:

- 1 call to the ex-manager (it is because he is the EX-manager that I'm tying up all the loose threads) to do an phone-check to see if the bank managed to credit it, and to ask the payer if the cheque had been cleared.

- 1 call received that there was no change in bank balance. no reply on whether cheque cleared.

- 1 call to the RM of bank of the wrong deposit box, she doesnt knows what happens to wrong cheques deposited.

- 1 call from the EX-sales engineer that the payer had received the cheque (the wrong bank had mailed the cheque to the cheque-issuing bank, who mailed it back to them)

- 1 call to ascertain the location of the cheque - office in Kaki Bukit

- 45min being unable to find 18 Kakit Bukit Road 3 and there were no building numbers on the road directory.

- 3 calls later, I was told it was a red building with a kopitiam underneath it. The building was called Entrepreuner Business Center which WAS on the road directory, it was white with red awings and BLUE coloumns... I guess she just couldnt pronounce "Entrepreuner"

- parking was $0.50

- $0.27 in parking + 15min for a branch of the right bank which had since moved from Jurong East Central

- Finally finding that they moved back to the previous location in Corporation road.

= NOT to mention the cost of petrol to cover that 50km

boy, am i tired today.

and all i did was to rectify a mindless careless mistake.

Labels: to Despair

Thank you for all the well wishes and concerned messages.

I realised that was kind of abrupt and probably alarming, but it was pretty hairy for awhile and i wanted to put in shorthand to that frame of mind...

Anyways, the short of it was:

It had been a grueling week month few weeks months (you get the picture), and even more so for Christmas as we were rushing for year end closing at work, and rushing preparing for Christmas, not forgetting the drinking episode, and I was tired and sore beyond belief.

My chest hurt, my back hurt and my breathing became shallower. The tightness felt heavier as I tried to plow through the work. During a meeting in IBP, i started sweating in pain. While driving back to my office, i couldnt breathe as the pain was almost unbearable and it was a small miracle that i managed to reach my office without mishap.

But as I tried to settle back to work, the pain came in waves between feelings of dying and barely bearable. i started feeling nauseated. Decided to ditch the car in the office and catch a ride to the nearest GP.

"How are you feeling today?"
"Bad, I'm having chest pains and difficulty breathing"
"What kind of pain?"
"Like 2 steel bars crushing me from front and back, and my heart is about to burst"
"Any tinkling or numbness in the arm?"
"I didnt notice, the pain was overwhelming"
"Any cough or running nose?"
"Nope"
"Are you on any medication"
"Nope"
"Any fever?"
"I dont know"
thermometer showed 38 deg c.
"I'm going to send you to A&E"
"WHAT?"
"The symptoms added together may indicate a viral heart infection."
"er... ok"
Imagining the endless waiting in an A&E dept "Should i have dinner before i go?"
"NO! the condition may cause SUDDEN DEATH"
*gasp!*

my life didnt exactly flash passed me, but all i could think about was
- what's going to happen to my kids?
- How's E going to handle not having me there?
- Who's going to cook that mushroom stew for pot luck gathering the next day?
- What's going to happen to the presents i got for everybody?
... ... i know, i can only plead confusion as my defense.

I took the doctor's letter to NUH A&E, and upon seeing the scary phrases of "chest pain" "difficulty breathing" and high fever, they whisk me through triage on a wheelchair and directly into A&E for chest x-ray and ECG. Even registering almost everything for me with me only having to give my own and ICE contact details.

Fortunately but anti-climactically, i started feeling better and even my fever started coming down without medication.

After asking almost the same questions as the GP, and asking about family history (Dad survived a minor heart attack at 58). But seeing that I am a pre-menopausal non-smoker female, they decided that it could be pulmonary embolism which is a sudden blockage in a lung artery.

The doctors took my blood for tests, hooked me up on to an automated blood pressure and heart rate monitor and put a tap into the top of my hand and... left me there.

Under the bright lights of the observation room and incessant beeping of monitors and machines, i spent my time people watching. The doctors being very focused on their own patients and ignoring other patients, the nurses doing almost the same with some trying to look busy, the patients either just lying there or raising a ruckus refusing to pee/ defecate into their diapers, wanting to leave or just being plain delusional. The majority of the patients were the elderly as expected, but a couple were minor accident victims who were hurt badly enough to not have to queue at the waiting area but not enough to be operated on (yet).

3 hours later, they came to check on me, they knew enough to know that they didnt know what was happening to me and so refused to let me leave. It was thus decided that i will take a series of 3 blood tests in 8 hour intervals that will determine if i had suffered any heart damage. I was then sent to the EDTU (Extended Diagnostic and Treatment Unit) just after midnight.

E had been waiting for 2 hours outside A&E by then, came in to talk to the doctor and to see me and pass me a book. :)

I was then plastered with ECG Monitoring Electrodes


all over over in kinda like this pattern although i had more...



adjoined to 2 sets of lead wires (each holding 5 clamps) and left alone to catch some sleep.

Since E didnt come from home, he didnt bring my glasses and i decided to leave my contact lenses on.

Surprisingly, not only I was able to fall asleep, I slept well.

They took my blood twice more, and since all the tests were negative let me discharge with a MC for 3 days, a letter and a caution. That i was to make my way immediately to a polyclinic or hospital with the letter in hand if i was to suffer another episode within the week.

I then left the hospital to go home to make a mushroom stew dish , and also wrap presents for belated Christmas gift-exchanges, and arrive for pot luck dinner gathering with friends at 630pm.

Unfortunately, 3 bites into the pot luck dinner, my chest started hurting and i started sweating profusely. I was probably taking the whole thing too easy. I didnt want to alarm my friends (who didnt know know about the hospitalization) so I pushed the food around my plate and tried to breathe. And little by little, the pain went away.

That was 3 nights ago, and 4 more to go.

And oh, E said that my mushroom stew was the best dish of the pot luck dinner :)

Labels: to Despair

2 recent books that i picked up featured gay authors who had way too much drugs in their misguided youth. Funny but sad. I meant the books.




Then i caught an unintended performance of a song that had haunted me on a Taiwanese game show. It drove me to tears in broad day light, during a GAME SHOW.




for a change of pace, i picked up everyman but it started with a funeral and ended with a death.

ARGH.

Labels: to Despair

Just a commemorating post about my pencil.

It broke today, the plastic outer/ metal inner tip actually chipped off as I was writing non too violently.

Maybe it is the age. 13-14 years since I received it as a gift. Absolutely incompatible with me as far image goes, but it brought a smile whenever I used it, precisely because it was so unlike me.

Thanks for the memories.

Labels: to Despair

It is the funeral of dai kau fu today. The final good bye.

It was heart-rending to witness the despair of my auntie and cousins who had kept busy with rites and guests over the last few days, barely enough to keep the shock of loss at bay.

Auntie and other elders were not allowed to go to Mandai Crematorium for the final send off, and the desperate cry of Auntie to the departing hearse haunted all of us and brought fresh tears to our eyes.

My cousins were already biting their lips and finally the emotions got better of them when the coffin was being prepared for the cremation. It was the darkest moment as the coffin was being pushed into the literally glowing red furnace for the cremation; the realization that this, indeed, was the end.

2 grown men held on to each for support as they cried with great big sobs it hits them that there is no longer any possibilities for denials or illusions, that their dad is gone. Forever.

I tried to hold myself in silence as I teared and ached for their loss. But being there brought back long forgotten emotions of my own losses, and my fears as I look at my parents and thought about my own family and others that I hold dear.

I calculate the years that we have had together, and how many more to a theoretical end and shudder.

What will I do without any one of them? I can't bear the thought.

We, do, take so much for granted.

I'm going home to hold my kids extra hard and long tonight and tell them a thousand times more that I love them, and E when he returns tomorrow.

Hold your family close.

Labels: to Despair, to Love

My eldest uncle passed away in his sleep on Sunday morning.

He was (argh, the past tense there...) a kind and loving man who raised a closed knit family with 2 sons and 3 well behaved and sensible grandchildren. The bond between him and his wife will be one that I hope to emulate in my marriage in the years to come.

My kids became close to him when we traveled to Korea together last year and they call him dai kao kong (eldest grand uncle in cantonese).

I brought them to the wake to pay our respects and to say goodbye, explaining gently on the way there that dai kao kong had passed away and we are going to tell him goodbye, and we will miss him.

While there, the kids were at first insistent on being carried while we lit up the joss sticks and went to his coffin. He looked at peace and there were no marks from the fall he had taken 2 months ago.

"Say bye-bye to dai kao kong"
"Bye-Bye dai kao kong"
"Mommy, does this means dai kao kong die already?"
"Yes, that's why we are saying good bye to him"
"When is he going to rise again?" (the kids are in a kindergarden run by a church group)
"No, he is not going to rise again" dreading the question of when will they see him again, and NEVER is such harsh reality.
"So is he in heaven?"
"Yes, maybe, he is definitely not feeling any pain now ok?"
"ok"

We mingled with the rest of the mourners and extended our gestures of support to my cousins and aunty, who seem to be holding up well although i know that they had all broken down earlier in the day and were still in states of shock.

The kids warmed up slowly amidst in the strange surrounding and were plied with sweets, nuts and desert by relatives, and soon were curious of the rites and chanting going on.

They wanted to go and see dai kao kong again, and we did before we left the wake.

This time they waved good bye too.

I hope they will always remember playing in the snow with dai kao kong, eating roast sweet potatoes from roadside hawkers, and laughing so much that their belly ached.

Rest in Peace, Dai Kao Fu.

And may you keep my parents safe and healthy...

Labels: to Despair